Confession: I used to lie all the time

by Amy on May 28, 2015

A tale of two Amys.

A tale of two Amys.

When I was a younger version of myself, I spent a lot of time on my hair.

I’d stand there for hours, squinting at myself in the mirror. Worrying about every strand.

I spent so much time in the bathroom that I secretly worried I’d get electrocuted by dropping my hair dryer in the sink…

Such a trivial way to die.

Nowadays I’m lucky to log 10 minutes for some mascara and a quick blow dry.

Not to judge people who do spend a lot of time on hair and makeup.

I had my hair and make-up done last month for a fundraising event. My stylist was a genius. (The “after” photo above is her handiwork.) She laughed about how much time she spends on her “art,” especially when it’s date night. “I tell my husband not to look for me for at least an hour, probably two.”

But all that time I put in on my hair was not for love of the art.

It was fear.

Once when I was five or six, some little shit on the monkey bars took it upon himself to tell me what he thought of my looks.  “You’re ugly” he said to me, point blank.

My 7 year old daughter would have retorted sarcastically, “In your opinion.”

But not me.

I believed him for a really long time.

Which is why, you see, I spent so much time on my hair. To pass for pretty as to avoid future instances of verbal abuse.

To think of all that time I could have spent doing other things.

Which is my point.

These lies that we believe.

They keep us busy pre-occupied in counter-productive behaviors that have nothing to do with Who We Really Are.

Ask Caitlyn.

She told Vanity Fair:

“I was probably at the [Olympic] Games because I was running away from a lot of things… I don’t want to diminish the accomplishment. But the last three days of this shoot was about my life. And who I am as a person.

It’s not about the fanfare, or everybody going down the street saying atta’ boy.

This is about your life.

‘Bruce’ always had to tell a lie. He was always living that lie. Every day he always had a secret from morning til night. Caitlyn doesn’t have any secrets.”

Think about the last time you lied to someone…

It hurt, right?

Lies feel bad because they create disconnect between you and other people.

The lies that we believe about ourselves hurt too. [TWEET THAT]

They create a complete disconnect between you and Who You Really Are. The lead you straight into a life, that disconnects you from your real self.

I used to live my life in a near constant state of anxiety.

I didn’t realize it at the time but the anxiety came from all the lies I was telling myself (and believing!).

Lies like…

You have to prove yourself.

You better not gain any weight.

You’re 30 years old and you haven’t amounted to anything.

You don’t have any friends.

You better be entertaining so they’ll like you.

It wasn’t until I started seeing that most of my thoughts were lies that I started to finally feel better. And once I started to feel better I changed. My life changed.

And I spent a whole less time on my hair 🙂

And a lot more time on my art.

Nowadays I feel pretty peaceful most of the time. If I don’t? I look for the lie.

Which leads me to ask you a personal question…

What lies are you telling to yourself?

 

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Virginia June 4, 2015 at 3:03 pm

All those lies of ‘lack’ are totally self-sabotage. Sadly, so many have no true validity. They may have a grain of truth in them but are normally blown up out of proportion. You are okay as you are. Can you change should you choose to? Sure thing. Look deeper and discover if the statements being heard are ones you can use to your benefit or not. Then act accordingly and on your own behalf.

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amy June 4, 2015 at 10:02 pm

Thumbs up Virginia!

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PamP June 4, 2015 at 3:42 pm

This was the year I stopped worrying about my hair, too. Not that I spent hours on it, but the products, volumizer, hair spray, to make it all go a certain way. It was my way of not accepting myself. My hair is fine and flat. And I’ve spent a lifetime trying to make it curly or fluffy. No longer. And you know what? I’ve noticed that now when I look in the mirror, I think I look pretty. I don’t have to be different in order for someone to like me. This is me, no apologies…to myself or anyone else. Thanks, Amy.

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amy June 4, 2015 at 10:03 pm

Hair is such a great metaphor!

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Christy Harvey June 13, 2016 at 12:39 am

Amy, I think the toughest choice is to be truly honest with ourselves. The lie I tell myself most often is that I have to go stronger, faster, harder to be an effective human being. Easing up and giving myself compassion and permission to breathe, rest and play is one of the most powerful medicines I know!

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