Saying goodbye to the person I thought I should be.
There once was a woman who lost a mother (her number one fan) three months before becoming a mother herself.
The stress of this loss and her new job as a mom forced her to finally give up trying to pretend to be something she wasn’t.
For years she had made a vocation out of trying to “prove” herself to the people around her. Prove that she was smart, capable, accomplished. Anytime anyone doubted her, she took it upon herself to prove them wrong.
This proving of the self became a bigger and bigger job and got her deeper and deeper into a life that didn’t bring her joy.
When she lost her mom and gained two babies, she no longer had the time or the will. So she started to do what she actually wanted to do. For the first time in her life, she gave herself permission to read self help books.
Seems trivial, I know, but this choice led her to the work of Martha Beck which then led her into a new career as a life coach.
And this is where it gets interesting.
In her training as a coach, she discovered that she was good at something, naturally.
And because she was so good at it, she thought it would be easy to make a career out of it.
She was wrong.
She struggled for many years. At first, despite being good, she couldn’t get clients. Then she got clients but couldn’t figure out how to make money coaching the clients.
Eventually she learned how to do both at the same time. She finally reached her goal. There was joy in learning the skills and becoming the person it took to meet her goal, but somewhere along the way she started to feel like she needed to prove herself again.
And so, despite her accomplishments, she was never satisfied.
And the goals kept getting bigger and bigger.
Until slowly, she realized with a quiet sense of dread, that her business didn’t feel right anymore. In fact, it hadn’t felt right for a long time… So what did she do?
She hired a fancy business coach and made a fancy business plan, of course! But after a few weeks of Kundalini she had a moment of clarity which moved her to ditch the fancy business plan. Thank God.
But by the very next year she was at it again. Planning for big revenue. Putting together fancy launches. Hiring fancy coaches to help her with the fancy launches. Adding more fancy team members.
And even though it felt good to pay for family vacations, buy nice things, associate with “successful” coaches…
Things still didn’t feel right. After all, she believed in her programs. She knew they helped people. She loved her clients.
So she kept saying yes to more and more things — interviews, speaking gigs, list building events.
But deep down, she longed to sit in the grass and watch her kids play.
She smiled thinking about what she would make for dinner.
She remembered the days, back before she had babies, when she would work in her garden and knit dish clothes.
She fantasized about writing all day long.
But she judged the things that made her happy. Too simple. Too domestic. Too boring. She was disappointed in herself and what actually made her happy. She wanted to want to be someone more glamorous with glamorous things to do with her day.
A wise friend suggested she take the year off. The thought of it sounded luxuriously out of reach. Who was she to take a year off to write? She wasn’t even a real writer. Blog posts don’t count!
Besides, who would she be without a booming coaching practice? She wouldn’t be important anymore… Just a person. Sitting in the grass. Watching her kids play. Making dinner. Working on a book that might never be read by anyone but her friends and family.
She would be nobody. Less than nobody. She would be boring.
But one day she realized something…
She could be a nobody and be happy or she could be a somebody and be miserable.
The same way she did after she lost her mom, she gave herself permission to do the thing she really wanted to do.
She started to write her book. And the more she did what she really wanted to do, the better it felt. With each word she typed, the less she cared about fancy launches, big lists, or proving she was a somebody.
And she realized that all this time, the person she was trying to prove herself to was HERSELF. (And there was never anything to prove.)
So finally after months of mental tug-of-war, she just couldn’t tolerate it any more. So…
She let go of her team.
She forgave herself for all the money she threw at fancy coaches.
She stopped planning more launches.
Because she finally — FINALLY — knew that it didn’t matter…. the money, the success, the admiration.
Nobody. Somebody. Visible. Invisible. Boring. Glamorous.
NONE OF IT MATTERS.
She decided to skip worrying about all that and just be happy.
She had been making it all much harder than it had to be, you see. It doesn’t require a team, or a launch or a fancy coach or successful friends.
All she needed to do this whole time was sit in the grass and feel the sun on her face. Watch her kids play. Fix something for dinner. And write.
The Moral of the Story?
There are shortcuts. It might surprise you to realize that you don’t have to lose 10 pounds, or find the love of your life, or hit six figures. The joy is there. You don’t have to work hard for it. You’re already good enough for it. There is nothing you have to do to earn it. Find it. Embrace it. Trust it.
Amy still treasures her community and plans to keep writing but she will focus most of her time on the things that make her the happiest: her kids, tennis, essential oils, her book project. Some of these things may change, but this is how it looks right now. You can still participate in any of her programs. She has opened the doors to all of them at a special price. For more information about Being You Uncensored, click here. For more information about Be Brazen in Business, click here. For more information about Monetize Your Magic, click here.