Saint Ron: Why the Truth Hurts (If You Let It)

by Amy on January 27, 2017

“You should be canonized for putting up with her all these years.”

This was a comment made about me to my husband.

The same person I blocked to escape his poisonous text messages found a way to get to me through my husband.

I won’t lie.

When I heard that he said this about me I was sick to my stomach.

They say, “sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you.”

But this is wrong.

Words do hurt.

Words can and do cause physical pain. It hurts worse than being punched in the stomach because unlike a physical blow, verbal ones hurt us over and over again, because, well, we stew.

I was stewing today while folding laundry when I slipped into a trance… Fold a sock and my stomach twists into knots as I recount the ways I have been wronged by this person, fold some pants and my head begins to throb as I think about all he ways he thinks he has been wronged by me, fold some underwear and my chest tightens as my mind thinks up all the ways he does not understand me…

and just as I’m pulling a sweatshirt out of the dryer— BOOM — I have an aha moment.

I’m working on a memoir, fifty six thousand words in, far enough to know this: my husband is going to come out the fucking hero of this book.

He is a saint. And I’m  about to prove it to the world. My aha?  I am writing a book that proves to the world that my husband should be canonized for putting up with me all these years.

Ha!

After I realized this irony, I started to smile a little to myself. The nausea began to dissolve.

The truth hurts.

My husband has had to put up with a lot (you’ll have to take my word for now).

But here’s something else that is ALSO true:

We have a beautiful, happy, loving partnership. We have learned about ourselves and each other through the ups and downs. We respect each other. And we are still learning.

We both learned things because we got through the bad.

I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record around here but I don’t care.

It all comes back to LOVE, unconditional self love.

My husband is a saint for putting up with me all these years AND that’s O-FUCKING-K.

Don’t let people shame you by reminding you of your flaws. We all have them. The real question is:

Are you learning from them? And more importantly…

Are you loving yourself despite them?

The truth does hurt but if you learn how to forgive yourself, it won’t hurt as much.

Jackie Gartman  said it the best:

“Loving yourself when you do something unlovable is the deepest work there is.”

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Virginia Reeves January 27, 2017 at 2:16 am

Amy – I wonder if your husband wants to be ranked like that? He may see it as what you do to keep a relationship going. I have no idea. Do you accommodate things he does? Glad you released your negativity and that nagging voice regarding the naysayer who apparently has issues of his own to deal with if he has to sneak around to make snarky comments. He’s not worth your energy or time. Wow !
56,000 words so far. You’re certainly making progress on your memoir.

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Richard January 27, 2017 at 2:31 am

Really interesting Blog. I have learn’t through a Change your Mindset and other self development programs over the past 5 years to walk away and get out of your life your toxic relationships. Thankfully I had already started to do it. As a part of it and realising that your belief system mainly comes to you from your parents when you are 3 years to 8-9 years old when my brother who had a brain tumour was dying and summoned me to go see him in hospital I didn’t. And I didn’t go to his funeral either,-that’s how badly he treated me. And I wont be going to my sisters either. My Mum, and Dad both had Cancer and I nursed them for ten years. My partner of 22 years was deceitpful and deceptive with me and did it twice and then told me it was her right to do whatever she liked. Even on some decisions about our kids that we agreed on she then went and did the opposite without telling me. For twenty two years every weekend and every other spare moment she took my kids away to one of her friends places without me. I believe that if you care about someone then you spend time with them . After double by pass surgery when she could only visit me every 3 days because it was too hard to get a car park and then an operation for 5 hernias a Nutrisionist said I must change my Diet. She refused to cook me different meals and so I had to cook my own. And it just goes on from there. I’m glad you both learn’t from your experiences. Obviously there was love between the both of you and obviously you wanted to make it work (The most important thing) but where one party is totally one sided, does not believe in their partner and is constantly totally negative about them you are in toxic territory and it;s time for it to be over.

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Richard January 27, 2017 at 2:35 am

As for the jerk who made the comments about you-if your husband really loved you, he would have ingnored the comments. More importantly the jerk is not worth the time of day nor any space in your memoir.

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Sean Carroll January 27, 2017 at 2:39 am

Amy this was beautiful. I always admire your ability to share a lesson with such truth.

The fact is relationships are messy a lot of the time and that’s ok. You illustrated beautifully that the two of you have something that works beautifully for you. I’m proud to know you and can’t wait to see how that memoir turn out!

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Diane January 27, 2017 at 2:46 am

Amy – Your husband is no more a saint than you are for putting up with him also over the years. You continue to be married because you choose to love each other. As to the person who has spent so much energy trying to hurt you both, he is only someone to pity because he cannot love himself and shows his own fear, hurt, and anger by lashing out rather than questioning himself as to why he feels the need to do this. He has no power. His words are shallow. He is small. Stand strong together and don’t give him another thought.

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Liz January 27, 2017 at 3:58 pm

“That’s O-fucking-K”. I heart this. Felt true and self-accepting and good. Thanks for sharing.

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Ginger January 28, 2017 at 12:19 am

Amy,
I love this so much. Love the way you acknowledge that words are really important, love how you worked your thoughts through folding the clothes, and love your evocation of that wonderful release when you stepped with open arms into acceptance. One of the most freeing things I’ve learned in sobriety is that my self-defensiveness and all it takes to maintain it (which has nothing to do with self-respect) is a wearying, heavy coat that it is sheer heaven to set aside and joyously accept that I can be so wonderfully, humanly WRONG.
Keep telling us the truth.
Ginger

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Emily January 30, 2017 at 6:35 pm

Thanks for your candid writing. Needed it today especially.

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Brenda Lee Nelson January 30, 2017 at 7:33 pm

Hello Amy,

We are like twinsies because my husband is a saint too. Sending light and love. xo

Brenda

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