You Unsegmented

by Amy on May 31, 2018

I love Astrology. Once, several years ago, I started an astrology website with my friend, an astrologer, Dena DeCastro.

But I didn’t want people to know. Especially my coaching clients or the people who subscribed to my newsletter.

“What should I do?” I asked my life coach. “I don’t want people to think I’m woo woo.”

Her advice was definitive: “Share immediately! Do not keep this a secret!

Folks who have an issue with it can unsubscribe. That’s a good thing. You’re creating a community. You don’t want to pretend to be somebody you’re not.”

What a relief!

Ever since, I’ve made it a rule to be me, no hiding.

Yeah, it gets me into trouble from time to time.

Some people tell me my writing is “unprofessional.” I should be more ladylike, they say…

But here’s my secret.

I say “shit” on purpose. Because that’s how I talk. In real life. If you can’t stand it, then you definitely shouldn’t be reading my blog, or subscribing to my newsletter and you sure as hell shouldn’t hire me as your coach. You should spend your precious time, participating in a community that turns you on.

Lately I’ve been criticized for not “segmenting” my list.

This is a marketing term for dividing potential customers into groups, or “segments” depending on different characteristics.

Just the other day for example somebody commented:

“I understand and honor that you and many others have found essential oils healing, even life-saving. But…. I am not interested in buying them from you, and I wish you had segmented your list so I could unsubscribe from those emails while still receiving your nuggets of brazenness and MYM updates.”

I love essential oils you see. And, yeah, I sell them. Just like I sell coaching sessions and self development programs and business advice in a course called Monetize Your Magic.

I sell a lot of things. In fact, every damn time I write a blog post, I’m selling something. Today I’m selling you the idea that you do not have to hide parts of yourself for the sake of others who deem some of you fit for their consumption and some of you not. You can be your whole fucking self.

Do you buy it? Maybe. Maybe not. But I sure hope you do.

Back to market segmentation…

I suppose I could create an essential oils segment in my database for people I determine who fit the market characteristics of someone who might buy them from me. I have the demographics and psychographics for days.

But where does it stop?

Do I have to create a segment each time I write about my kids, my obsession with tennis?
Should I create a segment for people who I believe might want to hear about my sobriety? Or kundalini yoga?
Should I keep quiet about ho’oponopono, or astrology, psychic fairs and angels?

Is it okay to talk about being an entrepreneur or being a coach, a mother and a wife?

Segment. Segment. Segment. It’s good business practice, they say.

Nah. I’m going to keep talking to you about my life. No hiding. I’m going to tell you about the miracle of copaiba oil and how I’ve used Ho’oponopono to forgive and how I learned how to make money in my coaching practice and my struggle with approval addiction and I’ll even tell you about my dog and the last time my family got lice.

And each time I share something, I promise you this: I will try to sell you something. It might be an idea like self love, or vulnerability or forgiveness. Or it might be a program. Or it might be a bottle of lavender.

If that’s too much for you, then I’ll say it nice this time… Please go find another blog. Don’t threaten to leave me because I didn’t bend over backwards to make myself more palatable for you.

That, after all, is what my idea of #brazen is about.

YOU, UNSEGMENTED.

{ 10 comments }

“You Think Too Much.”

by Amy on April 6, 2018

“You Think Too Much.”

I get this a lot.

And, frankly, I find it irritating.

What else am I supposed to do? I have a brain, therefore I think.

I get it…I’m supposed to listen to my heart. It will steer me in the best direction.

In some ways I’m the opposite of an over thinker. I’m one of those. I jump right in. Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes not so much.

But I admit I do overthink in some situations.

No where is the overthinking more apparent than when I play tennis. As the naturally competitive person I am, I really want to win.

It never fails. I’m up the first set 3-0 when I start THINKING.

It goes something like…

“Up 3 to 0… Yes! I doubt she’ll get a game off me…”

This is when it all goes to shit. All of a sudden I start double faulting. I can’t get a return back. I miss long, I hit short, I can’t volley for the life of me.

As soon as I start to think about the score, I always play worse.

I remember when I was a new life coach… I loved to coach as much as I love to play tennis.

Of course I wanted to do a good job. No… I wanted to do an amazing job. Which led me to do a lot of unnecessary THINKING during my sessions…

“What if I don’t know what to say next? What tool should I use right now? What if my client doesn’t like this session?”

I’d put so much pressure on myself that I actually started to dread coaching.

Ironically things turned around as soon as I stopped giving a shit. It was Martha Beck herself who convinced me that the less I worried about doing a good job, the more my clients would get out of my coaching sessions.

So I gave myself permission to laugh and joke and be myself in my coaching sessions, not the savvy coach I thought I was supposed to be.

If I didn’t know what to say next, I didn’t worry about it. I’d simply say, “I’m not sure what to say next…” and then miraculously I’d know what to say next.

Martha was right. I coached better and my clients kept coming back.

In her memoir, Unstoppable, five time grand slam winner, Maria Sharapova, describes it as caring while not caring.

How often do you worry about outcomes, putting pressure on yourself to win? It doesn’t have to be tennis. I might a promotion or a new rank, or a book deal (ahem) or your launch.

Here’s what I know now…

The second you start thinking about the end result, you take yourself right out of the moment where you need to be to do a good job. Thinking about how badly you want to achieve the thing, causes you to get tight.

In tennis that means you double fault or you hit short. Not good.

In life it means you take too much time on stuff because you want to get it exactly right or you obsess over your strategy ending up in analysis paralysis. Or you just stare at Facebook, too overwhelmed to do anything.

See how that works?

The bottom line:

Success is about how you pay attention in the here and now. Do you let yourself love on the moment hard — enjoy the feel of the ball against your racket or the feeling of deep connection with another human being — or do you let your thoughts steal you away from the moment.

Care… from a place of reverence for the joy that brought you to that moment and then let go of the rest.

I get it now…

Overthinking is what I do out of habit, when I love something so much that I start to think I might not be worthy of it.

So I remind myself…

I don’t have to be good.

I just have to see it as the gift it is.

And love on it hard in the moment.

What more is there to think about?

Psst: Over thinkers!  Arborvitae is the oil of “divine grace.” It’ll help you give it to God (whatever that means to you) instead of trying to do it all by sheer force. Try some on the solar plexus, crown of head or bottom of feet.

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WARNING: Having a Dream May Lead to Massive Disappointment

March 30, 2018

I keep thinking about a conversation I had years ago with a woman working in the registrar’s office of my college. I was ordering transcripts for an application to work in Japan as an English teacher. She wanted to know what I was working on. “I’m applying for the JET Programme with my husband,” I […]

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Give Me a Break?

March 1, 2018

Confession: I am not the best communicator. I’m blunt and I don’t take the time to explain myself or soften things. Yet ironically, I’m as sensitive as they come— I read into everything other people say. Which is why I’d have a very hard time having a conversation with myself. That is, if I didn’t […]

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Fake Joy or Real Joy?

February 9, 2018

After I stopped drinking, I developed an obsession with dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe’s. I’d buy a huge container of them and eat the whole thing in a couple days. I would drive to TJ’s just for the peanut butter cups, nothing else… I’d get a rush eating the initial few on […]

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Last Week was a Train Wreck

January 25, 2018

Last week was a train wreck… I lost my brand new t-shirt the day it came in the mail. I tried it on then it promptly disappeared. After an exhaustive search, I did not locate my new shirt. Gone. Without a trace. Then I completely spaced a meeting. I confirmed it the day before, even […]

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21 Essentials for a High Vibe, Happy Life

January 18, 2018

I have to tell you, I’ve been pretty happy these days. So damn happy that I haven’t had much to blog about. As you know, if you’ve been following me for a bit, this hasn’t always been the case. So I started to think about the things that have contributed to this new found, happy vibe. […]

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New Year, Same You

January 5, 2018

Happy New Year! I’m not going to lie, I love self help new year rhetoric. Vision board? Check. New Planner? Purchased. Word of the Year? Pondering. And yes, I have completed a list of goals, each goal nested within a A/B decision tree of contingency micro goals, complete with an exhaustive list of behavioral and […]

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Meet Alice

November 29, 2017

This is my daughter Alice. Most people nowadays think she is a he. When she introduces herself as Alice, they think she is saying “Alex.” One day early in the school year, a bunch of older girls laughed at her for going into the girl’s bathroom. “Look!” they said. “There’s a boy using the girls […]

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What is Your Genius?

November 3, 2017

Wednesday was my four year sober anniversary. I was never a stereotypical “drunk.” But I loved to fill my free time with activities centered around drinking. Having wine at the end of the day, going to Happy Hour, Getting drinks with friends. I used to think I needed it to have a good time.Giving up […]

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My Double Life

October 5, 2017

I found some photos of me posing in my underwear. From twenty five years ago. We were living in Los Angeles. Our neighbors were working actors. We’d see them on TV. He had a co-starring role in Beverly Hills 90210. Once they told me I could get work doing beer commercials. As a femenist the […]

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For Better of For Worse

September 15, 2017

This morning my daughter went MIA before school. We only had 10 minutes left before it was time to leave for the bus and she still hadn’t finished her homework, eaten any breakfast, brushed her teeth or put on her shoes. I found her outside barefoot with some neighbor friends playing with a remote control […]

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What They Don’t Tell You About Spin Class

September 6, 2017

I remember the first ever time I walked into a Burn Cycle class. My friend invited me to go with her… “First time?” She asked. “Yes…” I replied. That’s when she raised her eyebrows and gave me an ominous look that said sarcastically, “good luck.” Just getting on the bike itself seemed to require a […]

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The Great Time Blocking Experiment

August 8, 2017

  God this is a boring topic. But I just have to because so many of you are suffering like I was suffering. It’s summer. The sky is blue. The kids are home. I just got the Tennis Channel. It’s so hard to get anything done! I’m definitely not as ambitious as I once was. […]

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Chronic Sleep Deprivation — I had no idea!

June 8, 2017

It is said that If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put that same frog in warm water and slowly heat it to boiling, the frog won’t notice the danger and it will boil to death. For years I have had to get up multiple times at […]

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An Open Letter to Introverts (From an Introvert)

May 18, 2017

  It all started in grade school. I couldn’t figure it out. Why did all the other girls get so giddy over slumber parties?   I hated them.   Most of the time I would go anyway and pretend to be having fun until I couldn’t stand it any longer. Then I would either retreat […]

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14,000 Things

May 12, 2017

Yesterday Ron’s sister would have been forty years old. She was killed in a car accident when she was 21. I happened to be talking to a friend yesterday who has brain cancer. The meds are hard on her. “But you know what,” she said to me, “I am so happy to be alive. I […]

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When the doer cannot do

April 14, 2017

It’s Thursday. I have had the flu all week. And today I learned I have a bladder infection too. Bonus! I cancelled a tennis match, a podcast interview, three tennis lessons (two for me and one for my kids), missed an entire week of jiujitsu because I couldn’t drive the kids, skipped the Facebook Live […]

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God, Source, Spirit, The Angels, The Muses…

April 6, 2017

I am driving down Broadway Boulevard. It is Summer 2008. The twins are about six months old. Looking through the rearview window, I see them strapped into their car seats. As usual, Anthony is not happy. He is doing that thing he does before an all out crying fit. Alice is looking at me. Her […]

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Show Me A Successful Entrepreneur

March 10, 2017

Show me a successful entrepreneur in the service industry and I’ll show you a person who loves themselves enough, loves the work enough to let themselves fail. Somebody who is willing to get out there despite the possibility of bad hair, typos, toilet paper on the shoe, awkward exchanges (Them: Nice to meet you. You: […]

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How to be a Winner

March 2, 2017

Last week I beat a really good tennis player. In straight sets. 6-2, 6-2. If you don’t know tennis, I pretty much kicked her butt. “Wow, my back was really bothering me today.” This is all she had to say after the match. I lost to her a few months ago so I’m pretty sure […]

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Be here, now

February 24, 2017

A few nights ago, my husband said something mildly stupid that hurt my feelings. I am as soft-bellied as they come. I get my feelings hurt with an astonishing frequency. It is one of the many downsides of having a moon in Scorpio. Anyway…We were in bed, my back turned against him. I was convinced […]

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Stop Expecting Them to “Get” It: Why Some Partnerships Fail

February 9, 2017

“What’s on the agenda this weekend?” My husband asks. I open up my planner. “Battle of the books in the early afternoon Saturday, then Jazmina’s Quinciniera in the eve. Then Sunday is Janina’s birthday party at the pool.” “I’m not going to that,” He says. “But…” I answer. “I work all week and I don’t […]

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How to Think When You’re Overwhelmed

February 2, 2017

  I figured out the main theme of my book. This is the theme that informs everything. It’s the big “So What?” of the book. I was talking to my friend about it the other day. She asked me if I knew the theme when I started writing. “I haven’t wanted to start my book,” […]

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Saint Ron: Why the Truth Hurts (If You Let It)

January 27, 2017

“You should be canonized for putting up with her all these years.” This was a comment made about me to my husband. The same person I blocked to escape his poisonous text messages found a way to get to me through my husband. I won’t lie. When I heard that he said this about me […]

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5 Survival Tips When You #$%^& Up

January 20, 2017

I was recently invited to play on a bad-ass women’s tennis team. Wanting to make a good impression, I volunteered right away to practice doubles with a group of women. Got a babysitter and everything. On the night of practice, I got to the tennis club ten minutes early. Nobody there… “Strange,” I thought as […]

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Setting Boundaries with Setting Boundaries

January 12, 2017

For a long time my dream was to create a successful six figure, and then multiple six figure, coaching practice. After achieving the $200,000 a year mark I considered going for $500,000 a year. I created the business plan, I had the team in place, but I never made it. “Being an entrepreneur is the most lucrative […]

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We March

November 1, 2016

She is in a dark room, there is music on the other side of the door, and voices. She is crying and afraid. She doesn’t like being in here in the dark, alone. But no one hears her crying. Then the door opens and a man looks in. She can see the outline of his […]

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The Adult Brain of a Bullied Kid

October 6, 2016

We were on a bus, heading into Portland for a field trip. It was going to be a great day. We were going to try sushi for the first time and see China town. I was in seventh grade. Sitting on the bus, the girl next to me was leaning up against the window talking across […]

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35 Excuses Keeping You From Being Happy

July 27, 2016

No excuses. Just happy. My mom used to call me a “malcontent.” I hated it when she called me that. But now I see that she was right. I always had a reason why I couldn’t be happy. Here are a few excuses I used to make that kept me from being happy. Chances are […]

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You are five.

February 25, 2015

Who were you when you were five? When I was five… I loved flowers — I vividly remember the plants from my childhood – the sunflowers in my backyard, the rose bushes by the patio, the filbert orchards and the Oregon grapes with berries you couldn’t really eat. I loved to swim – that feeling […]

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What is your greatest fear?

May 23, 2018

What is your biggest fear? I posted that question to my business page yesterday. And somebody responded “Essential Oil MLMs.” Then added “ I really like most of her articles and found them helpful. The EO stuff is a bit much.” (BTW I hate it when people talk about me like I”m not there.) It’s […]

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Meet Dobby

April 26, 2018

This is #Dobby. Dobby doesn’t care about the bus schedule or the call you have to make, or what they think over at Puppy School. She barks with the conviction and assurance of a puppy who knows it is time to play. She runs —ears back, tongue flopping, stubby legs pumping — as if she were the […]

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