When You Don’t Get Invited: A Cautionary Tale

by Amy on July 16, 2015

IMG_4107

I’m walking up the steps to the ridiculously gorgeous home my friend has rented for the month.

Estimated value 1.7 mil.

She couldn’t rent it for a few days so she “just rented it for the month.” As one does… when you’re rich and fabulous.

As I step into the spacious kitchen, I see a bunch of names I recognize written on the refrigerator.

Chalkboard plated… nice touch.

Some are people I’ve admired hero worshipped for years.

Others are colleagues.

I’ve interviewed, partnered with or hired most of them at one point or the other.

(Oops. They are in a secret mastermind together. I wasn’t supposed to see that.)

Here’s what they all have in common:

They are young.

They are female.

They ARE without question sooooooo fabulous.

And they are killing it in their businesses.

Here’s another thing they have in common.

Each of them is better, smarter, more lovable, sexier, more articulate, funnier, more charming and, CLEARLY, more deserving of respect, opportunity, and prosperity than I.

I, you see, am the piece of shit who was NOT invited to mastermind with them.

“Are you in a mastermind right now?” My friend asks.

“Uh, no.” I fumble. “I might join a few friends to mastermind in October…” I offer.

[I interrupt this regularly scheduled blog post to tell you that a “mastermind” is a business group people join to support each other.]

“Were you invited?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow. That’s a big deal.”

Is she patronizing me? My inner approval addict want to know…

As I sit there in the kitchen, those names on the refrigerator mock me —  I start to mentally club myself…

“Loser.”

“Loser!”

“Loser, loser, loser!”

I remember this photo Danielle LaPorte posted on Facebook of her younger self in a graduation gown.

And the message to her younger self was something like, “Don’t worry Danielle. You’ll get there.”

It’s true. She has arrived.

A spiritual truth teller with really great hair.

Millions hang on her every word.

Her advice on oil pulling alone revolutionized the dental industry.

I know it’s supposed to be a comfort of sorts although, as I sit with it, I think to myself…I’m older than her, my hair looks like shit and I’m STILL not “there.” Should I be comforted? Or concerned?

Enjoy this intermission while I do some self-coaching.

“Amy, you’re a loser. Is it true?

Yes! I lose! I am not “there!” I wasn’t invited to mastermind with the young, fierce, fabulous, filthy rich contingent. I wasn’t even a contender!!!!

Can you be absolutely certain that your’e a loser?

Yes! I can’t even apostrophize! I LOSE. I’m waving the fucking white flag over herrrrrrre!”

In admitting my defeat, I realize something:

I like the idea of being in a mastermind….

Sort of like I “want”  you to invite me to your party.

Yeah, I’m Such. A. Loser.

But here’s where I win.

I tell really great stories.

I have 3 great kids.

My husband adores me.

AND I help a lot of people.

When I remember that, I can celebrate the brilliant, beautiful, bad-ass ladies of the world kicking ass with their coconut oil, fancy rentals, and veuv clicquot.

Yeah my ego LOVES to be invited. My ego likes to think there’s a “there” there. My ego LOVES it when I think life is a never ending pissing match.

But the real me knows the truth.

And that’s when I can stand tall and say GO GIRRL to all the ladies in the fancy rentals.

Whew. I feel better.

(I told you, I’m a recovering approval addict with the occasional relapse.)

Now I’m off to watch Frozen.

And then I shall plot my next move.

So if YOU didn’t get invited…

(If you always get invited, now would be the time to do your oil pulling.)

… a few questions to ask yourself:

  • Did I really even want to be invited in the first place?
  • Do I need to be a part of that thing?
  • Is it even the right timing?
  • What really matters right now in my life?
  • How can I create what I really want?
  • How can I “channel” the people I admire without needing their invitation or approval?

YOUR TURN: Ever been left out of something you really wanted to be a part of? Share in the comments below. Let’s commiserate!

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Lorraine Smith July 16, 2015 at 1:37 pm

Thank you for sharing your BRAZEN self with us. We are not alone and you are most definitely not a loser (neither is anyone else). We are all perfectly, un-perfect human beings and exactly where we should be along our own (brazen) journeys of life. with gratitude……..

Reply

Amy July 16, 2015 at 10:15 pm

Yes! We are all one hot lovable mess. And that’s what makes us interesting! xoxo

Reply

Virginia July 16, 2015 at 3:04 pm

Whew ! Am I glad I’m not an approval seeker. It must be frustrating to go through that. Amy – you know you have your own special power – you demonstrate it brazenly well. They are the ones who didn’t get the benefit of you being in their group. The reality probably is that they have a limited amount of people to invite. How many other ‘worthy’ people can you think of that weren’t in that particular group? As you did, let it go and focus on what is right and good in your life ! You have more important things in your life to pay attention to. This goes for everyone !

Reply

Amy July 16, 2015 at 10:14 pm

Most of us have an inner approval addict Virginia. It’s that part of us that longs to be understood, to connect with others and find a tribe. Just shows up in different ways 🙂 I think of it as a continuum. Thanks for the wise words! And for reading!

Reply

Brenda Nelson July 16, 2015 at 3:31 pm

This JUST happened to me and the thing is that I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO GO and yet I was upset, hurt, mad and sad.

I wrote down what I was resentful about and then I wrote down what I was grateful for which was the exact opposite. WTF? It looked like this:

*I am resentful that I was invited to go with some friends to the cabin for a girls weekend.

*I am grateful that I wasn’t invited to go with some friends to the cabin for girls weekend because I would have had to come up with an excuse of why I “couldn’t” go.

I totally get it Amy.

xo

Reply

Amy July 17, 2015 at 3:40 am

Yes! It’s so funny how the ego wants to be invited 🙂 The real me just wants to lay in bed with a good book and a cup of tea.

Reply

Carrie July 16, 2015 at 3:34 pm

I have done a lot of work on myself in this area and for a long time I have had an inner peace I had never known before; I thought I had cured myself of my addiction to approval. But my life was moving along not too badly, lately it has taken a downward dive and all of a sudden I am finding I need approval again.
Last weekend I was tested. I live on a boat with a bunch of other people living on boats and on the dock where I live the community has made a nice little area to socialize (seeing all of us are living “small”) It is a place where people congregate at the end of the day for a beer and a chit chat, no invite needed.
But last weekend there were streamers hung and balloons and obviously there was a party going to happen. I wasn’t invited, no biggie, private party until I noticed that everyone except me and one other person were not there. As I walked past the boat of the other “outcast” I half jokingly said, “Are you feeling like an outcast like me? nothing like being obviously left out of the party.” He looked at me strange and I said, “The party, I’m glad I’m not the only not invited.”
He said, “Oh I was invited, I just didn’t want to go. Everyone keeps coming down and saying, “you’re coming to the party aren’t you/’ I just don’t feel like it.”
WOW, That hurt!! I put my two dogs back on the boat and started my self counseling. I am not a drinker, used to be but only have one or two drinks now and I am done, they are real partiers!!, I do not enjoy getting drunk and I don’t enjoy drunks. I don’t go to parties. I just wanted to be invited. I have only lived here a little while and don’t know anyone really well. I have been invited before and I either don’t go or I go for one drink and leave. I realized later that not everyone was invited, it just seemed like it to me. and when I walked past ;later with my laundry one of them stopped me to chat and i could have sat down and joined but chose not to.
The next day I found out it was one of the women’s birthday and the people at the party were all people who had lived here a long time.
Also there was an old fashioned peddle bike there and one of the guys had fixed the tires and they gave it to me. (I had mentions long ago that I wanted a bike so I could ride while my dog ran along side)
In bygone days I would have been really hurt, hidden away and felt sorry for myself and self conscience but I carried on like I hadn’t even noticed there was a party going on that I wasn’t invited to. the next day I teased some of them for being so hungover, asked what the occasion was and wished the woman happy BD.
I know that my need for approval is directly linked to how my life is going at the moment.

Reply

Amy July 17, 2015 at 3:42 am

Oh that sounds painful Carrie! Check out this post: https://www.livebrazen.com/2014/03/the-great-rejection-hoax/ I am the first to go into rejection sensitivity! I totally get it.

Reply

Laurie July 16, 2015 at 5:41 pm

I soooooo appreciated this. I have those moments (thankfully fewer these days) when I still feel like the girl who really doesn’t get sororities but feels left out because I’m not a member! I still get anxiety in moments when I attend networking events with large groups of sorority girls… oops, successful women. It’s amazing though when I remember to practice being open and curious how often these women who seem sooooo amazingly awesome are as vulnerable on the inside as I–sorority background or not 🙂 It’s been such a lesson to myself around judgment and assumptions about who people are. A lovely lesson I must say!

Reply

Amy July 17, 2015 at 3:43 am

Totally! We never know what other people are dealing with! But the ego loves to make assumptions! I try to remind myself to be open and curious too. Great reminder.

Reply

connie July 16, 2015 at 5:57 pm

YES!! I have been left out of big things and tiny things and it SUCKS. I hate it, my ego hates it, my inner spiritual guruness hates it, me hates it. It hurts so much, I tend to never leave others out, to the point of sometimes including others that really aren’t appropriate to the party. 🙂 But I am not a total loss cause, thanks to articles like this…Brava Amy!!! and some current awareness, I do realize that I do not want to spend time at certain events, obligations or with certain people . This awareness has prompted me to create my own events and to recognize and reconnect with “my people”. Thanks for helping me build this muscle even stronger! YOU ROCK!!

Reply

Amy July 17, 2015 at 3:49 am

Love it Connie. Rejection actually physically hurts. The same part of the brain that registers pain, registers rejection. It’s because we were once at risk of death by starvation or exposure if we didn’t fit in with our social groups. I have been the subject of a lot of bullying in my day so I’m like you. I go out of my way to make sure others are included. And nowadays, since I don’t numb out anymore with alcohol, I’m much better about spending time the way I want to spend it. Which is why when I really sit with it, I don’t want to be in a mastermind or go to fancy parties or be the IT girl. My ego likes the idea of it. Not me.

Reply

Mickie July 16, 2015 at 7:31 pm

Well, another “whew!” from me. Because even though most of the time, I don’t classify myself as an approval addict. In reality, I know that is just not true because even when I read your post above (which was brilliantly written as always) I could just feel what you were feeling. I would have found myself in very much the the same place. Most days I can say honestly, “I know that not everyone likes me, and that’s o.k.” and really believe it. But there are those moments when you do realize that you haven’t been invited over to the table with the cool kids (and not even because they don’t like you… there’s lots of reasons) at lunch that it can all come flooding back. But, I loved that bit of self coaching and I’m with you. Go GIRL!

Reply

Amy July 17, 2015 at 3:53 am

Yes we all want to be invited to hang with the cool people. I was obsessed over this in high school. My parents wanted me to be “popular” and to “fit in,” probably because they thought that would make me happy and keep me safe. But in reality I was more of a drama geek at heart who ended up doing a lot of drinking and smoking and having sex over there with the cool kids. The paradox is I probably would have been much happier and safer over there with the drama geeks.

Reply

Rebecca July 16, 2015 at 9:35 pm

Truth, are you a loser?

Reply

Amy July 16, 2015 at 10:12 pm

Not at all Rebecca and a little bit. Embracing all of it xoxo

Reply

Lisa Kilgore July 16, 2015 at 11:16 pm

I realize that we live in the same country and we speak the same language. We probably watch the same television shows and read some of the same books. But we are galaxies apart in what we deem important. I *used* to be something like you–worried about the climb, the intellectual and monetary status markers, what shoes to wear and what bag to carry and how my hair looked while I carry my overpriced latte’ to work. But girlfriend, now things are really different for me. I’ve been taken down quite a few pegs, and I am grateful to just pay my bills at the beginning of each month. I sincerely wish ONE THING for you, and that is–that you someday have enough. That your cup is someday full. That you can sit back and feel peace and never have that knot in your stomach or a worry line on your forehead. I sincerely do. Because honey, it’s nice to have ambition and drive and to strive for your dreams, but when it’s stirring your brain into an acidic whirlwind of trivial crap like this–time to re-evaluate what’s truly important.

Reply

Amy July 17, 2015 at 3:36 am

We certainly speak the same language but we definitely don’t have the same sense of humor. I’m wondering if you ever laugh, Lisa? Do you ever laugh at yourself? I get the impression that you could do some good for yourself and others by lightening up a touch. I’m not sure what you think I value but I was pretty clear in this post that what I really value is telling stories, my children, my husband and being of service. Of course I’m not perfect. And that is the point of this piece. To show the world that we all get caught up in that “acidic whirlwind of trivial crap,” every once in a while. I am no different. I think it helps other people when we are willing to be honest about our struggles and imperfections. Of course there are some people who take that as an opportunity to pounce. And this is why a lot of people don’t feel safe in the world to be real. Which I think is sad. I’m not sure what the point of your very articulate vitriol is. Maybe to feel superior to me? I will tell you though that my cup is overflowing. It flows with good shoes, great handbags and the daily overpriced latte. But most of all it flows with love. I’ve been taken down a notch or two or three or four but the difference between me and you is that I don’t feel the need to take others down a notch with me in the process.

Reply

Lisa Kilgore July 16, 2015 at 11:18 pm

and PS–your hair doesn’t look like shit. You’re beautiful.

Reply

Amy July 17, 2015 at 3:53 am

Thanks

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post:

Amy Pearson's Live Brazen / Radical Results for Your Biz and Life


amy@livebrazen.com

@ Amy Pearson | Live Brazen 2018 | Privacy Policy Design By:Janet Pashleigh